I Sing Because I'm Free

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I’m not a pirate, but I do wear a patch

on February 17, 2016

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My girls and I… 7 years ago 

I dreamed the other night that I had another baby. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. I was sitting in a nursery rocking a baby girl. The colors were muted gray- like I was in a still-frame picture. In the dream, I knew this was my third baby- a surprise.  I felt a flood of emotions- exactly how I felt all those years ago when I held my first baby.  A hormonal mess… and yet everything was perfect.

When I woke up, it hit me that I am no longer that same woman I was then.  I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago. After struggling for years with pain, unexplained bleeding, and extreme PMS- I tried everything I could to alleviate my growing list of symptoms.  What was once a week of misery slowly turned into non-stop discomfort.   After exhausting all other options, the only thing left was a hysterectomy.

We had decided years ago that we were finished having children.  Both of my pregnancies were difficult- both emotionally and physically.  I had unexplained bleeding throughout both pregnancies- leaving me in a state of constant worry and fear.  Pregnancy- the thing I dreamed of for so long- was not at all the joyful experience I had hoped for.  After being blessed with two healthy girls, we knew that our family was complete.

As strong as my desire was to have a baby all those years ago-I prayed for God to take away my desire to ever have a third one.  I knew I didn’t want to go through the stress of being pregnant again, and we felt that our family was complete.

So when my doctor approached me about having a hysterectomy, I prayed about it.  And one morning, I heard Him tell me “it’s time”…it was time for a fresh start.  It had gotten so bad that I had a hard time getting out of bed most days.  Pain, PMS, and an onslaught of other symptoms continued to snowball out of control.

The surgery was a success.  I was in some mild pain for a few weeks, but nothing I couldn’t manage. I also had my ovaries removed due to severe PMS, so I wear an estrogen patch.

The patch definitely has it’s downfalls. I am supposed to change it every 3rd and 4th day, wreaking havoc on my (already) forgetful brain.  If I am a day late changing my patch, I experience the same hormonal shifts that I did pre-surgery.  I have also noticed a difference between generic and name brand patches.  I have had to try a few in order to find one that worked for me.

I am 100%  happy with my decision to have had the surgery- even though I have some minimal challenges with using a patch.  It was definitely the best decision for me.

But for some reason, after having that dream the other night- it hit me that I will never again feel those flutters in my belly… that I will never again nurse a baby… and after mourning the loss of something I had long ago made final in my heart and mind- I finally felt closure on that chapter in my life.

A simple dream awakened within me all the lovely things I had forgotten about my babies, allowing me to finally come to terms with a new stage in my momma journey-

the TEEN years!

My oldest will be 13 in a couple of weeks, and I’m buckling up for this bumpy new ride!

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my soon-to-be teenager!

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and my youngest 🙂 

Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.  

Psalm 127:3

 

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6 responses to “I’m not a pirate, but I do wear a patch

  1. atimetoshare says:

    Hang on tightly, Julie. You’re in the beginnings of the greatest adventure as a mom. Good luck and God be with you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Julie Harris says:

      Thanks, Kathy 🙂 I know all moms say this- but it is hard to believe how quickly they are growing up! It’s definitely bittersweet, but wonderful at the same time to watch them grow and mature. Blessings to you!

      Like

  2. alesiablogs says:

    I wanted to share with you why I love birds singing. It is because they are free. That kind of reminds me of your blog! I came to your blog today and read this post. I had one too in 2009. I wanted more children also, but one thing after another made that unrealistic. I am happy with my beautiful boys God gifted me with as I know you are if your girls! My sons are 18 and 22! You will survive the teenage years, but I have heard its harder with daughters. God bless and thank you for dropping by.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Julie Harris says:

      Thanks for sharing, Alesia! The name for my site comes from the hymn “His eye is on the sparrow”. The chorus says “I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” That has always been a favorite hymn of mine. I love birds, too, and I love watching them and listening to them sing! I have met so many other women who had had hysterectomies. It is nice to know that we aren’t alone in that department 🙂 Your sons are fortunate to have you as their momma- I can tell you love them very much!! My oldest daughter is already starting to borrow my clothes and shoes!! It is going to be interesting when both girls start doing it, lol!! Blessings to you, too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. dawnlizjones says:

    I have frequent dreams about babies, (and I’m in my 50’s!) so I wonder if God is trying to get something through to me. It’s interesting. Enjoy the teen years and stay connected, keep ’em talking to you! Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Julie Harris says:

      Hmm… I wonder what your baby dreams mean?! lol… I felt like I didn’t sleep for years between my two girls. My first had horrible reflux and didn’t sleep through the night until I had my second and then she didn’t sleep well either. When I had that dream recently, it made me feel at peace and helped me to remember the joy I felt holding my newborns. I am thankful they are older and that we all sleep through the night 🙂 And thanks for the great advice about keeping them talking to me! Communication is everything! Blessings to you!!

      Liked by 1 person

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