I dreamed the other night that I had another baby. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. I was sitting in a nursery rocking a baby girl. The colors were muted gray- like I was in a still-frame picture. In the dream, I knew this was my third baby- a surprise. I felt a flood of emotions- exactly how I felt all those years ago when I held my first baby. A hormonal mess… and yet everything was perfect.
When I woke up, it hit me that I am no longer that same woman I was then. I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago. After struggling for years with pain, unexplained bleeding, and extreme PMS- I tried everything I could to alleviate my growing list of symptoms. What was once a week of misery slowly turned into non-stop discomfort. After exhausting all other options, the only thing left was a hysterectomy.
We had decided years ago that we were finished having children. Both of my pregnancies were difficult- both emotionally and physically. I had unexplained bleeding throughout both pregnancies- leaving me in a state of constant worry and fear. Pregnancy- the thing I dreamed of for so long- was not at all the joyful experience I had hoped for. After being blessed with two healthy girls, we knew that our family was complete.
As strong as my desire was to have a baby all those years ago-I prayed for God to take away my desire to ever have a third one. I knew I didn’t want to go through the stress of being pregnant again, and we felt that our family was complete.
So when my doctor approached me about having a hysterectomy, I prayed about it. And one morning, I heard Him tell me “it’s time”…it was time for a fresh start. It had gotten so bad that I had a hard time getting out of bed most days. Pain, PMS, and an onslaught of other symptoms continued to snowball out of control.
The surgery was a success. I was in some mild pain for a few weeks, but nothing I couldn’t manage. I also had my ovaries removed due to severe PMS, so I wear an estrogen patch.
The patch definitely has it’s downfalls. I am supposed to change it every 3rd and 4th day, wreaking havoc on my (already) forgetful brain. If I am a day late changing my patch, I experience the same hormonal shifts that I did pre-surgery. I have also noticed a difference between generic and name brand patches. I have had to try a few in order to find one that worked for me.
I am 100% happy with my decision to have had the surgery- even though I have some minimal challenges with using a patch. It was definitely the best decision for me.
But for some reason, after having that dream the other night- it hit me that I will never again feel those flutters in my belly… that I will never again nurse a baby… and after mourning the loss of something I had long ago made final in my heart and mind- I finally felt closure on that chapter in my life.
A simple dream awakened within me all the lovely things I had forgotten about my babies, allowing me to finally come to terms with a new stage in my momma journey-
the TEEN years!
My oldest will be 13 in a couple of weeks, and I’m buckling up for this bumpy new ride!
Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.